


Big Boys Don't Cry

by multibean



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anger, Angsty phan, Basically just angst, Distance, Eventual Rape/Non-Con, Eventual sexual abuse, Loneliness, M/M, Phil's POV, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:38:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9158443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multibean/pseuds/multibean
Summary: "He smiled to himself often, but nowadays, it was rarely to me."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got some inspiration for this fic from an anime I watched recently. There isn't really anything happy in this fic, but anyway, enjoy.

My partner was distant. There were less hugs, less spontaneous kisses, less funny jokes and gaming marathons. He smiled to himself often, but nowadays, it was rarely to me.  
I would stare at Dan for minutes at a time and he wouldn't look up once. I would ask if he wanted a cup of tea and he probably wouldn't even hear me. And sex was out of the equation completely.  
I'd had enough, so I went and sat down beside him, hoping he wouldn't turn me away again like yesterday.  
"Can I see the photos from last night?" I asked, feeling like I was stepping on eggshells. I had done nothing wrong, but Dan was making me feel like I had wronged him in some way.  
He looked at me suspiciously. "Don't touch anything," he warned, covering the screen as he tapped in his passcode. When I frowned, he added, "We're not a double-act, Phil. We're two different people. I'm Dan and you're Phil. If I don't want you going through my phone, respect that."  
I flicked through the photos that some other youtuber had taken for us last night. I wasn't sure who had taken them, but when I got to the sixth photo, I froze. Dan didn't notice because he went back to replying to fans on Twitter, but I stared at the photo long and hard.  
It was a picture of Dan, PJ, me, Cat, and Chris Kendall. It was the only photo I had seen so far where me and Dan were stood next to eachother. Except you could hardly tell it was me at all, since Dan had aggressively scribbled over my face.  
I carried on flicking through. In every single photo where I was stood next to Dan, I had been erased in some way. I was either cropped out, had my face scribbled out, or I was blurred out.  
I felt sharp pangs in my stomach. I was hurt inside. I still had no idea what I had done to make him distance himself from me like this. But instead of losing it and demanding an explanation, I calmly handed him back his phone. "I'm going to bed," I said abruptly, not expecting a polite reply, or even a reply at all.

 

I looked back through my calendar, my text messages and the dates the photos on my camera roll were taken. I came to the conclusion that Dan began to distance himself from me ever since our tour ended.  
It was a gradual process. The messages got less and less frequent from the end of TATINOF to today. There were less emojis, shorter answers, and just a cold vibe overall. There were also less photos of me and Dan in the same picture, especially on Twitter. He usually cropped me out, pretending I was never there in the first place.  
I felt like crying. I didn't care if people said that grown men weren't supposed to cry. Dan was the apple of my eye and I had done nothing but care for him and support him in his career, even though he was more successful than me. It was incredibly tolling, always being viewed as the sidekick, and now being rejected by the one I'd had strong feelings for ever since we met in 2009.  
I was tired of it always being "Dan and Phil". I was always the one who tagged on at the end, the one who some fans even refused to take photos with because they liked Dan and not me. It was never "Phil and Dan". I had never expressed any kind of bitterness or jealousy, and here he was, treating me as though he couldn't care less if I just disappeared. That was probably what he wanted. He didn't want "Dan and Phil", because I was just the fucking sidekick. I was nobody compared to Dan Howell.

 

I peered into his room. Dan was sat up in bed on his laptop. I wasn't sure what told me it would be a good idea, but I sat down beside him until he responded.  
"What, Phil?"  
"I just wanted to see how you were," I said caringly. "What you doing online?"  
"Mind your own business!" He sounded so defensive that I assumed he had something to hide.  
I snorted. "You watching porn? Is that why you don't want to-"  
"No, Phil, I'm not watching porn, and even if I was, that wouldn't be why I don't want to have sex with you."  
"Then why don't you?"  
"Leave me alone," he said, not answering my question. "Let me get some sleep."  
"Please, Dan. I love you. I want to show love to you."  
"Not now. I'm going to sleep."  
He switched off the laptop and put it on his bedside table. I remained next to him for a short while, staring at his handsome face while he slept. Dan was a real charmer.  
But I had to stop thinking about how much I desired him, because it only worsened the pain I felt from his rejection.


	2. Chapter 2

From here, it had to be me who made a move whenever I wanted anything to change. Dan wouldn't budge. It wasn't like he was busy making videos every hour of the day. Half of the time he was mindlessly browsing the Internet or reading a book or something else that didn't involve me.  
I wasn't giving up. Just like the other night, I wandered into his room and sat down next to him, waiting for him to respond to my presence.  
"What do you want?"  
"I'm unhappy," I said, in a small voice.  
"What's the problem?"  
"You're treating me as if I'm not wanted, Dan... as if you're tired of me."  
He sighed. "Listen, I still love you, okay? I don't know, maybe I have other things on my mind. I have other things to think about. I'll be fine soon." This was a relief to hear.  
I put my arm around his warm shoulders. He groaned when I brushed against his neck. "Stop that."  
I apologised. "I just want to be close again." So I got into his bed, right next to him. He didn't seem to mind this, so I brought my face closer to him, leaning my head on his bare shoulder. I loved his smell and the soft feel of his warm, tanned skin. He was a treasure to be appreciated and cared for.  
I glanced up, and I almost thought I saw a flicker of a smile. I could have been imagining it, but even so, it made me smile too.  
"Are you happy?" I whispered.  
He shrugged. "I guess?"  
"I mean, are you happy to have me here? With you?"  
"Kind of indifferent. You're cute, I guess." He went at it again with the "I guess", which made him sound incredibly unenthusiastic. "I wasn't smiling at _you_ , Phil."  
"Oh." My heart sank. He had been typing something into his phone when he smiled, so obviously, someone else was making him smile more than I could.  
I stayed next to him, but I turned away. I felt the hot tears welling up. _Don't you dare_ , I told myself. _Don't you dare start blubbering. Are you scared? Scared that Dan just can't stand you anymore? Don't be such a pussy. Big boys don't cry._  
So I wiped my eyes and turned to face Dan again. I had an idea but I wasn't sure if it was a good one or not.  
I reached under the duvet, running my hands up and down Dan's thighs. He gave a little shudder. He didn't tell me to stop, so I began to rub his waist, before rubbing against his crotch until he gave a response.  
"Will you fucking cut that out?"  
"I'm so sorry," I said, taken aback. "It's just, you used to love it when I-"  
I felt a sharp sting against my face and I gasped. When I came to my senses, I saw Dan looking away from me, scowling.  
"Did you just hit me?"  
"Yes, I hit you," Dan replied, fearlessly.  
I was speechless and already I felt the rage growing bigger. Louder. It was bubbling away ferociously, clouding my rationality.  
I shook Dan violently and he dropped his phone on the floor. "What the fuck has gotten into you?" I yelled, and he flinched when I dug my nails into his shoulders. "I've loved and supported you for over seven years and now all you do is treat me like shit?"  
He snarled and grabbed my wrists as hard as he could, pushing me away. "Get out of my face," he thundered. I was seriously angry. As of now, I felt no love towards him. It had shattered in seconds.

 

My appetite was gone. I felt queasy, but atleast I had music to lighten my mood. Seeing my family was always enough to make my day, but it probably wouldn't be enough in this scenario.  
It was almost like being ill. Dan was so important to me that spending time away from him made me feel as though my own body wasn't functioning, or had parts of it missing. He was a part of me. It was kind of like having half of my body amputated. It was like a part of me wasn't there anymore.  
I hauled all my things up the steps. As usual, my parents greeted me with hugs and smiles and a helping hand. Seeing them made me feel like a young child again - naïve, sheltered, looked after and protected from the harsh, dog-eat-dog world outside of my window.  
The other night, I had hated Dan. I wasn't expecting him to strike me like that. It was out of the blue and left a light bruise, but that would heal, and maybe his feelings toward me would one day heal too. I was still mad, but I knew that deep within me I had a great deal of love and affection for him.  
I flopped onto my bed, worn out. I was mostly mentally tired, but part of it was physical too. Travelling was tiring, even though I had just been sitting down all day.  
I wondered if a week away from each other would actually benefit us. I was going to miss Dan, and I hoped he would miss me too. But when I thought about it a little more, I realised I had been missing Dan for quite a while already. There was this large void inside of me that was once filled with everything about Dan that made me happy: his reactions to my terrible puns, his help when I was filming YouTube videos, our funny times making videos for the gaming channel, baking together, the whispers in bed and the long, slow kisses. That void was just a black hole now and I hated it.


	3. Chapter 3

Part of me was hoping Dan would suddenly become all clingy and needy once I left, sending me message after message and being afraid of losing me for good. Maybe knowing what it was like not having me around for a week would make him remember the feelings he once had for me.  
This wasn't the case. Every single day, I was checking my phone nearly constantly, and every time I received a text my heart began to pound. Then I would open it and discover it to be from someone else.  
I even began dreaming of Dan almost every single night. I once had a very unusual dream in which I was at some kind of YouTube event with him, but no one could see me. They could only see Dan. I was invisible. And when I went to look in the mirror, my face was blurred out beyond recognition. This must have stemmed from those photos I saw where he had crossed out my face.  
It was nice to be at home again with my parents, but I had no intention of telling them what was going on or why I was staying here. They had known me and Dan as being soulmates for years. Telling them that there was a significant problem in our relationship would feel very alien.  
The problem was, they wouldn't stop asking about Dan, but I couldn't be dishonest and say we were doing great or whatever. So finally, I texted him to see how he was, but nothing I wrote seemed good enough. Everything that I typed in seemed as though it could either come off as rude or self-pitying or overly apologetic.  
It had never been like this before. In the past, texting eachother had been something we both looked forward to while one of us was away, but now it felt as if nothing I could do was good enough. Dan had slowly led me to feel as if I had no worthy place in his life in general.

 

When I finally got a reply from him, I wished I hadn't.  
It wasn't a message. I could see that it was some pictures, atleast more than one. I felt scared, as if he was going to show me something else he had discovered about me that made him hate me even more.  
The first picture was of a rather old print-out photo of me and Dan, except he had ripped it in two. It had been taken when we had first met in person. I physically felt it when I saw the split down the middle. He was trying to convey some kind of message, maybe telling me that he wished he had never met me.  
But the second one was what alarmed me the most.  
It was a picture of Dan in his bed with the duvet just above his crotch. I assumed he was naked. It was taken a few metres away from him so he clearly hadn't taken it himself.  
I had never taken a photo like this, so it was only reasonable that someone else had. _Someone else._ Those words rung in my head, over and over again like a broken record.  
Filled with despair, I quickly texted him back, demanding an explanation for the second picture. The first one spoke for itself. Clearly he wanted to disassociate from me.  
Maybe he had used the timer on the camera to take it. Maybe it hadn't been someone else after all. My mind was racing with possibilities.  
I prayed that he wouldn't take forever to reply. I felt hot all over. _How could this ever happen to me,_ I thought. _There's someone else. That's why he doesn't care anymore._  
How was this going to affect my career? My fans would ask why we weren't in eachother's videos anymore. Would we have to delete the gaming channel? Surely one of us had to permanently move out as well? He obviously didn't want us to be "Dan and Phil" anymore. It was just so sudden.

 

Now I was almost too frightened to go back to our apartment.  
It was rare that I felt true anger and bitterness towards Dan. I had felt angry when he had hit me, but that was more to do with the spur of the moment and the fact that it had seemed so unnecessary. This anger was there to stay, quietly bubbling underneath the surface until it grew so huge I couldn't stop myself from lashing out at him.  
At the moment, I hated Dan. I hated him so much that I wanted to punch him until he was numb all over. He was confusing me and hurting me inside. I would rather be beaten up than have my feelings toyed around with.


	4. Chapter 4

It was quite sunny when I left my parent's house, which was a little ironic considering I was filled with bitterness and anxiety.  
I had barely slept. Despite the fact that I now couldn't stand him, all I thought about was Daniel. _Dan Dan Dan._ He was manifesting inside my head and was there to stay. I had dark circles beneath my eyes and I wasn't a pretty sight today.  
I'd had the urge to delete those pictures he had texted me. They were painful to look at, and just kind of creepy. But I had to keep them, as if they were some kind of evidence.  
I sat down on a metal bench when I got into the train station, observing the couples and groups of friends around me who looked as though they were going on trips of some kind. I may have been a famous YouTuber with millions of fans, but being the only one here who was alone made me feel terribly isolated and jealous. My jealousy and insecurities had been building up for a while now. Dan had always been more successful and I had never complained. Now my bitterness was reaching the surface. I could almost taste it in my mouth, like lemons.  
I began to regret staying away from Dan for a week.  
If he really was cheating on me - which would explain why he was apparently bored of me - then being away from him only gave him the opportunity to get busy with this other dude.

 

I opened the door shakily, only just managing to keep hold of the stuff in my other hand.  
It was ominously quiet. There was no TV on, no gaming console on, no music. We were both technology nerds, so it was rare we weren't using something electronic. I just assumed he was filming a video and needed things to be quiet.  
I knew he was here because the door wasn't locked, but right now I was alone in the living room, just having a rest.  
My eyelids began to feel quite heavy. I took off my coat and leaned back, hugging a galaxy patterned cushion. It was only 6pm but, again, the travelling had tired me out.

 

I awoke in the dark. It must have been past 9pm by now.  
Before I went to stay with my family for a week, I had actually told Dan I would be returning on Wednesday, but I had returned home today: Tuesday. My plan was to come back a day early and see if I could observe what was going on in the apartment when Dan supposedly thought I wasn't here, but I guess I'd kind of messed that up by falling asleep for 3 hours. Surely there was no doubt he'd seen me here by now.  
I got up and headed to my room, taking my things with me to unpack.  
Dan's door was shut. I doubted it was locked but I didn't dare open it. I heard a muffled groan from inside and I frowned a little, worried.  
It was unlikely, but maybe he didn't even know I was here. If he hadn't gone into the living room and seen me asleep, then chances are, he had no idea.  
I entered my room as quietly as I could, before setting down my bag and getting dressed into some older, comfier clothes. After a short while I heard another sound from Dan's room and my heart began to pound. _Was he with someone else? What the hell was that groan ten minutes ago?_  
It was sending my mind to places I didn't want to acknowledge the existence of.

 

I had to check this out. I knew this was risky but I wanted to know what he was doing.  
I pressed my ear against his door, feeling like a real creep.  
I heard quiet talking, and then a few giggles. Then a loud laugh.  
_Jesus Christ,_ I thought.  
Then came another groan. I physically cringed, before hearing Dan sigh deeply. He moaned again, more intensely this time. _No way,_ I thought.  
I held the door handle tightly, purely through suspense. There was no way I was going in.  
He suddenly coughed loudly while my ear was pressed against the door, making me jump. I lost my balance and fell against the door, opening it and falling into Dan's room.


	5. Chapter 5

No fucking way. This wasn't happening.  
My question was, _how?_ How on _earth_ had I managed to fall right through the door just because I got startled? And had Dan somehow known I was there all along?  
I didn't dare look up. I knelt on the floor in shame, my hands on the floor infront of me and my head facing downwards. It was silent for absolutely ages and I had no idea if Dan was staring at me or what was going on. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.  
Eventually I shifted my position and slowly glanced up, feeling like a complete idiot.  
Dan was sat up in his bed, shirtless from what I could see. He gripped the edge of the duvet tightly, pulling it up towards him, gazing at me with his dark eyes.  
"I-I'm home," I said sheepishly, as if everything was normal. I seemed to forget for a second that Dan had been giving me the cold shoulder for months now.  
"What the hell," he said flatly.  
"I'm sorry. It was an accident. I'll leave now."  
"No, Phil, stay here and tell me what the fuck just happened. There's no way you literally fell through my door by accident."  
I got up and went over to his bed. It appeared that he was alone, but I could have sworn I had heard him conversing with someone else a few minutes ago, unless he had been talking on the phone. But then what would explain those moans I wished I'd never heard?  
"So how did that happen?" Dan asked. I tried to lean over him and look past the other side of his bed, into the gap between the side of the bed and the wall. He began to panic, but I had got him good. I peered over and saw a tuft of brown hair. Then a hand. The hand moved.  
I had all the evidence I needed. Dan laid there staring at me in shame, sweating profusely.

 

It was all a blur after that. I retreated to my room, too worried to act on my anger. Dan hadn't expected me to remain outwardly calm.  
He was sneaky. He thought he could get away with it. When I had crashed into his room, I had been too embarrassed to look up, which gave this other guy the chance to hide.  
I didn't recognise him. I barely saw him. I didn't care what he looked like. I wasn't sure if I hated him or Dan more.  
This was definitely it. I had felt unwanted for a long time, and tonight revealed that the truth was, I _was_ unwanted. It wasn't just my intuition.  
It was almost kind of odd how I didn't even cry. This was one of the worst moments of my life, but the tears just weren't there. I had learned my lesson. I was a big boy now, and big boys don't cry.  
I didn't care what Dan did now. He could do whatever the hell he wanted. I despised him for misleading me for all of those years, telling me we were something special and that nothing in this world could come between us. It was complete and utter bullshit.

 

I slept and slept, and when I was awake I was busy wishing I didn't have to stay in the same apartment as that cheating scumbag for any longer.  
I barely left my room. I was scared of Dan, and how I would perceive him now. Everything added up. The cropped out photos, the spontaneous little smiles that were never at me, the one-word texts. There had been _someone else._  
I left my room for only the third time in eight hours, praying Dan would be in his room and away from me. I didn't know him. He had no place in my life.  
I squatted down infront of the small fridge, feeling absolutely famished.  
A hand grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and pulled, dragging me backwards. I instinctively grabbed it, trying desperately to get them off me. It had to be Dan. He must have been waiting to pounce on me.  
He turned to face me as I struggled to set myself free. I avoided all eye contact.  
"Listen," he snarled. "I heard you on the phone to your family. No, Phil, you're not fucking leaving. There's a reason I never broke up with you when I started seeing him." I flinched when he got closer to my face. "I still want you all to myself."  
"I'm not staying here," I insisted, feeling threatened. "I'm not living with you. I saw him. I know everything. And before you ask, yes, I hate you. I hate your guts."  
He loosened his grip a little and I had the courage to look at him now.  
"Think about it from my point of view," I said. "You've showed no love towards me for months and I find some guy in your bedroom. Anyone could work that out. Do you have any idea how much you meant to me? You've been the cornerstone of my life for years, Dan... and you just destroyed it all, out of the blue." I began to walk away.  
"Stay here!" he called, reaching out and grabbing my shoulder. "I'm not letting you leave," he said, when I tried to shake him off me. "No, I don't love you... but I still want you."  
I scoffed. "Just get away from me."  
"Listen to me!" He almost hit me again. "I know what I did was absolutely awful. But I crave your body so much, Phil."  
"Tough luck. Now leave me alone." I turned to leave.  
A few seconds later, I felt something hard and heavy come into contact with my skull. Then it all went dark.


	6. Chapter 6

I was shoved roughly against the duvet just as I was coming back around.  
Dan looked into my eyes lustfully. He didn't want me anymore. He just wanted my body. I was an empty shell to him - all he cared for was my physical exterior. What I had inside was irrelevant.  
It was only now that his shallow nature dawned on me. He had only ever desired me because he admired the way I looked and he admired my body. And when he grew bored of me and fancied a change, he had decided to go and fuck someone else.  
It felt as if I had only been unconscious for about two minutes. I was frightened. I tried to protest, but Dan tightly cupped his hand over my mouth, using his other hand to prevent me from escaping while I struggled.  
_How had it all come to this_? It hardly seemed five minutes ago that I was madly in love with Daniel - he was all I desired, all I could dream of and the person I wanted to grow old with. I closed my eyes, dreading the worst.  
I felt him pull off my jeans and my underwear and I gasped. _No._ No no no.  
"Stop it," I pleaded, but he was stronger than me, and my compassion wouldn't let me hurt him even if it was purely self defence.  
"Just be quiet," he hissed.  
"I don't want this, Dan. _I don't want it._ Do you hear me? You can't-"  
I heard his heavy breathing. I felt him penetrate me and I tried so hard to fight back, to just stop him, to get away from this cold hearted monster who had ruined me.  
"No more," I sobbed as he raped me, feeling helpless and incredibly angry. "No more, please. Please stop now."  
I heard him giggle and I wanted to punch him in the face. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and was completely different from the consensual sex we used to have when we were together. That was made up of nothing but love. All I felt now was despair and fury.  
"I said no!" I suddenly shouted, thrashing desperately at him. He just smirked. My suffering was of no concern to him. I was being treated as an object, with no purpose other than providing pleasure. Of course, it didn't matter if I protested.  
I told myself not to cry. No matter how awful I felt, I wasn't allowed to cry, because I was a big boy and I could get through this.

 

I was tired in every way possible. Physically and mentally, but mostly emotionally.  
I didn't know what to do now. I had nowhere to go and I was scared. What if he did it again? What if he threatened me and would never let me leave? What else was he going to do to me?  
It hadn't physically hurt, but that wasn't the point. _He had raped me._ I still couldn't believe this had happened to me, and of all people, it was by Dan.  
I sat in my room, my knees drawn up to my chest. I was going to have to get out of here soon. I knew that, if I stayed, things would only get worse. Dan was a cheater and a rapist. I had to let go completely. He was dangerous and he would only continue to hurt me.  
I knew I had to tell someone about what he had forced me to do last night, but even though Dan had caused me all of this grief, something in my worn out heart told me I wasn't allowed to. I had to keep this quiet and just get out of here.  
I began to cry. _Stop it,_ I told myself, but it was no use at all. The tears welled up and ran down my face, meeting at my chin and falling down onto my blue and green soft pillow. I pressed my face against it and inhaled. I recognised my own body's scent, but when I inhaled deeper I sensed Dan's, and the memories came flooding back. All those times we had spent together - whether it was making videos, meals together, in bed, or just love and support - it had all been for nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

I lost my sense of freedom. I was practically being held captive by my ex-lover.  
There was nothing but hate between us. Dan had taken away my human rights, making me feel like an abused animal - helpless and trapped.  
Every day I dreaded what he'd do to me. My family and friends began to send me panicked texts, asking why they hadn't seen me for ages, and all I was allowed to say was that I was sick and couldn't leave the house. Dan monitored all my communication with others, as well as where I was at different times of the day. I was his pet, his plaything, his sex toy.  
Every night when I was in bed, I pondered my options of escape. But where would I go? What would I say? I had obviously been planning to live with Dan all my life, so I certainly hadn't seen this coming. I'd had no alternative plans.  
I heard the knock on my door and my blood froze.  
"Phil?"  
I sighed.  
"Phil?" he repeated, in a harsher tone.  
"Whatever." I turned over, my head pushed against my pillow.  
I heard the two clicks of the door lock and he walked in, then paused.  
"What are you doing? Sit up," he commanded.  
"Dan, I don't want any of this anymore," I said quietly, scared. "You're hurting me... and you're breaking the law. What you're doing is disgu-"  
He hit me in the jaw before I could finish, knocking me back. The pain began to sear through my skull, and I touched my lip, feeling the wet blood just before it began to seep down my chin.  
This was what stopped me from disobeying and trying to escape. Dan was strong and he could hurt. I was physically capable of fighting back, but what stopped me from doing so was the memories of the love between us from before. If ever I raised a fist, I would only find myself retracting again. I simply couldn't do it.  
Dan looked into my face as I laid back.  
"You gonna quit messing around now?" he asked.  
I nodded, sitting upright.  
"Good. Now get to it. You know what to do."  
I took hold of the waistband on his trousers and underwear, but then looked up at him.  
"I just... I don't want to," I whispered.  
He grabbed me by my black unruly hair, before putting his hand to my throat. "You committed yourself to me, Phil."  
"Yes, when I was in love with you."  
"But you're still in love with me now, aren't you?" he smiled. I _wasn't_. I wanted him dead.

 

It was hard living as a prisoner, but as long as I kept him happy, maybe I could stay out of trouble altogether. That was all I had to do. I didn't want to do what he told me, but the punishment when I refused was always so much worse.  
I had been forced to give him oral again earlier, which wasn't as bad as whenever he forcefully penetrated me, but still was never something I would do willingly.  
It was miraculous how I managed it, but after all I'd been put through, I was still making videos fairly regularly. I loved my fans, and I didn't want them to be concerned about me, so I tried to upload as frequently as I could. I also tried to conceal any visible injuries that had been inflicted on me by Dan, although I'd had a fair few comments pointing out some bruises and asking why me and Dan were never in eachother's videos anymore. Some had rightfully guessed that there was conflict between us, but obviously, conflict was an understatement.  
I imagined how my friends and family would feel if they knew what Dan was doing to me. I even began to think of the guy he cheated on me with. He was still with that guy now. I often heard them in his room, since it was right next to mine. But he knew nothing about what Dan was doing to me. Obviously I didn't know this man, and maybe he was just as amoral as Dan, but I wondered if there was a way I could communicate with him. Perhaps if he figured out what was going on in this house, he would turn against Dan and try to help me out of here.

 

I took out some paper and a pen. I scrawled down what was feasibly possible at this point.  
It would be awful if Dan walked in right now and demanded to know what I was writing down, then saw I was planning ways I could get out of here.  
But I continued anyway.  
Every day, I was allowed to get myself some food from the kitchen while Dan was there to stop me from getting away somehow. I was only allowed once a day, so I always took enough food with me to last a day. This was pretty much the only time Dan would let me go anywhere other than my room, his room and the bathroom, so this was like a light at the end of the tunnel.  
I decided that I had to use this to my advantage. It was still quite early in the morning now, so I had a little while to wait before Dan would allow me to go get food.

 

I wasn't hungry. I had too much to think about. There was no room for food, in my mind or in my stomach.  
I was by the counter, next to the fridge, facing the wall. Dan was just a few metres away, scrolling through his phone, distracted. He was so used to my submissiveness that he had gotten complacent.  
He was too close to the glass door for me to get out stealthily. He'd sense my motion. And anyway, I was shaking so much that I'd probably fall victim to my natural clumsiness anyway. My heart pounded so hard that I was worried it was going to burst out of my chest.  
One last option swept across my mind, but it was only a flicker, and I ignored it. The room was completely silent while Dan simply thought I was making food, but the sound of the blood rushing through the arteries in my head was deafening.  
The idea came back. _Go away,_ I thought, feeling sick. _It's never coming to that._  
But it was so loud, and it became too loud for me to ignore, and it started to take control of my body before I could stop it. My hand, seemingly involuntarily, pulled open the draw. Inside I saw forks, skewers, butter knives, bottle openers, and a giant bread knife.  
I felt sicker and sicker as my desperate thoughts took over. _Don't,_ I pleaded to myself. _This isn't the only way. This is Dan. You loved Dan._  
I remained facing away from Dan as I walked across the room until I was just a metre behind him. I admired him for a few seconds, noting all of his features that once had me in absolute adoration of him.  
"I'm sorry," I spoke out loud.  
"Hmm?" Dan went to turn around.  
I lunged forward and plunged the knife into the top section of Dan's back, hitting the bone inside. This wasn't good enough. I reached around and jabbed it into his throat before he could even react, and the blood began to leak out at an alarming rate when I hit his carotid artery.  
He gagged and screamed, gasping for air and clutching desperately at the fatal wound. The impulses built up again inside and my mind took back over, and I grabbed the bloody knife and began to stab him again, and again, and again.  
I found myself remorseless, completely apathetic, almost relieved. He cried out as loud as he could as I mutilated his body, the cries getting weaker and weaker as more and more blood drained from his neck.  
I looked into his shiny dark eyes for atleast two minutes as I plunged the knife into him once more, and when I shook him, he was still and silent. I kept my eyes in contact with his lifeless gaze while I set down the knife.  
I found myself there for a little longer, stroking Daniel's soft hair, and brushing my fingers across his smooth, tanned cheeks. There were tiny drops of blood scattered across his face and I wiped them away gently. I held his dead body for a while, not caring if the masses of blood soaked and ruined my clothes. It just felt surprisingly comfortable to hold his beautiful body after so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry


End file.
